Zootherapy
by Stunning Sunset
Summary: Tsunade forces Ibiki to get a full physical. The resident pinkette suggests a few ideas to get him to improve his health. Rated M for a few suggestive scenes. Not related to The Healer and the Interrogator.


So I was supposed to post a new chapter of my ItaSaku fic. And then this idea appeared in my head and grew quickly, and I stopped writing my other fic in favour of this one. What can I say, Ibiki is just too cool, inspiration comes to me very easily whenever he's concerned. Now that this is posted, I'm returning to The Blind and the Unseeing. Enjoy!

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The entrance hall of Konoha's hospital suddenly became silent as the doors opened and an ominous, dark figure stepped through with a loud gust of wind. Everyone carefully avoided looking at the tall man as he stalked more than walked up to the reception desk. He glowered at the cowering woman with dark eyes.

"I'm here for a check-up."

The tone was cold, clearly stating that he didn't want to be there. Flustering, the middle-aged receptionist quickly paged a specific member and proceeded to inform the wall somewhere to the left of his head that "Haruno-sensei is coming down, please wait a moment" and scampered off with her arms full of folders.

He could have sat down among the rest of the waiting people; he didn't and chose to glower at those few souls brave enough to chance a glance at him. He waited for but a few moments before a vision in pink and white appeared at the end of the corridor and walked briskly up to him with the silent grace of a ninja.

"Morino-san. Thank you for not wasting my time for the sixth time," she greeted calmly before motioning for him to follow her. "This way. We have a lot to make up for, and I am not so free as you may think. There are other people who need and actually appreciate my talents."

She stalked down the corridor and up a flight of stairs, expecting him to follow her which he did, albeit with a bemused glance at her back. She was a rather peculiar little thing; nothing in her demeanor suggested she was afraid of him, which was a rare thing for him.

She held the door open for him, as though he would run away if she entered before him; under other circumstances, he would have, the first moment she'd have turned her back on him, and they both knew it.

The door closed behind her with an ominous click, then she rounded on him.

"Lose the coat, handsome, and sit down on the bed."

She crossed her arms, waiting for him to obey.

He raised a single eyebrow.

"Want me to lose the slacks too?" he asked dryly.

"Let's keep that for later, shall we?" she replied just as dryly. "Mind telling me why you decided to show up this time?"

"Our lady Hokage stressed that if I didn't show up, it would be my assigned medic who would get permission to vent their frustration out on me."

"Oh ho. So you're more afraid of me than Tsunade-shishou, eh?" she asked with a grin.

"Let's say you have access to more sensitive parts of my anatomy than she does."

"Fair enough," said Sakura with a nod. "I know you are on par with Kakashi-sensei when it comes to despising hospitals, so I'm going to make this as short and sweet as possible."

She put her hands on his chest and started to prod at his ribs, sending chakra in his body to observe his internal organs and map his insides.

"Two of your ribs didn't heal properly," informed him the pinkette. "I'll have to reset them. Which means breaking them beforehand."

He eyed her for a moment and told her gruffly that he was a ninja and that pain was part of his routine. With an easy smile, Sakura rolled her eyes and promptly broke his ribs, grinning at the hiss and glare he sent her way.

"Suck it up, the pain should be lessening momentarily as I heal your ribs."

"I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I snapped every bone in the hands of the last person to land a blow on me."

"Charming," muttered Sakura snarkily. "Your social skills are astounding."

Ibiki rolled his eyes above her head.

"Haruno-san, you have a potential for sadism even you can't deny. Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same. Or something comparable."

"You're right," replied Sakura as she started to work on repairing his kidneys, "I would be much more civilized and heal them afterward before breaking them again. The pain is twice as intense if you break a bone just after healing it."

Ibiki remained silent as he appraised her.

"Interesting. I may have to think about incorporating a medic to the T&I team. Interested?"

She glanced at him, a flash of green before she went back to working on him.

"Beating my teammates to a pulp curbs my sadism well enough, thank you very much. You should take a break sometimes from all the blood and gore and general depressing T&I HQ. Go out or something. You know, ten minutes a day of sunshine is required to get enough vitamin D in your system. Without it, people get depressed and stuff. That's why there are more suicides during the winter months."

Ibiki shook his head. Sun and him were not compatible. Not in this reality.

"And do what, Haruno-san? Go shopping?"

This time, Sakura openly snorted and looked at him, eyes full of mirth.

"Yeah, right. I can't imagine you stepping foot into a store without having the clerk faint or run away screaming. But maybe you could invest in a dog. That would give you an excuse to talk a walk once a day."

"A _dog_?" he asked incredulously. That sounded just as ludicrous, but more embarrassing.

"Yeah, you know, zootherapy and all that shit," she replied mildly, shrugging in his general direction as she continued to stare and prod at a sensitive scar he had acquired when an enemy had tried to cut him open with a letter opener.

"You're one strange doctor, Haruno-san," he mused after a long moment of silence on both of their parts.

"You're not exactly normal yourself, Morino-san," she replied with a quirk of the lips, before ordering him to shuck his pants and underpants, along with his sandals.

Ibiki was not exactly comfortable with anyone close to his family jewels, but he knew better than to argue, and so hoped that she would not linger unnecessarily.

"Ow."

That was the only thing she said as she bent down and lifted his penis, observing the scars that adorned its entire length. A slight stiffening of his thigh muscles was the only sign that he was not quite comfortable with her scrutiny.

"I can lessen the scarring," she informed him calmly, "and heal the flesh that didn't heal properly and is probably painful when you move. However, your body may have side effects due to the treatment."

He raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Such as?"

"The male genitalia are quite sensitive to stimuli, Morino-san, and despite your control, there is a possibility that you will become aroused due to my chakra entering this particular part of your anatomy."

She said it as bluntly as possible, so that there were no chances of misunderstanding what she was trying to tell him.

"I promise I will remain utterly professional and doctor-patient confidentiality is something I very much respect, so you won't have to fear about hearing anything about this outside of this room."

Despite being less than enthusiastic about having someone toy with his body, Ibiki decided to suffer in silence and believe in her professionalism. Even if he annoyed Tsunade because he would not go for his full physical, he knew she would not send him to an incompetent medic who would not respect his privacy.

"Go ahead, then, Haruno-san."

With a small nod, Sakura let her chakra flow into his member, slowly repairing the damage that it had sustained a long time ago. Little by little, the kind of awkward and painful pressure that had plagued him for so long disappeared until at last, her hands left his privates.

"Better?" she asked in a gentle tone that somehow wasn't laced with pity, much to his contentment.

He nodded, and she could see in his eyes that his thanks were heartfelt. He was much too proud and strong a man to ever admit to this, and having known others like him, she merely smiled in understanding.

"Your testicles were in pretty bad shape, Morino-san," she told him calmly. "I'm sorry, but I'll need a sperm sample to make sure you're healthy and that everything works down there. Normally, I'd offer you some porn magazines, but looking at your reaction or lack thereof to the treatment so far, I'll do this by hand. Lay back on the bed, close your eyes if you want and imagine whatever person you will is jacking you off instead of me. I promise I'll remain professional about this, so you don't have to think of me as a person while I do this."

The thought of her jacking him off in this small examination room made him somewhat uneasy and the fact that she herself had told him she would be professional about it was more than a little disturbing. He could not remember the last time he had let a woman touch him down there. He much preferred to remain seated. That position, at least, gave him some semblance of control over the situation.

If his eyes had been closed, they would have snapped open at the next move she made. He threw her head back with a snarl.

"_What_ are you doing?" he breathed with widened eyes.

Sakura fixed him with unimpressed eyes.

"I understand you have trust issues, but could you at least pretend that you have _some_ faith in my skills as a medic?" she asked with a slight roll of her viridian eyes.

She easily pried his fingers off of her pink tresses and slowly, so as not to alarm him, reached down to grab his penis once more. She touched it fleetingly at first, a small flutter of fingers that barely grazed it before slowly discovering it when he made no further move to throw her away from him.

Her fingers glowed brightly with the flow of chakra as her hand moved up and down his shaft, rendering it more sensitive than usual.

"Enjoy the wonders of perfect chakra control," she said with a quirky grin at him. "I'm probably the only female in Konoha who is able to do this, so enjoy the exclusivity."

Her grin grew slightly as she added that with this technique, she could get a man to his peak within five minutes.

She caressed his turgid member with knowing fingers, and he knew that even if she had not used that technique of hers, he would still be rock hard in her hands. Up and down her hand moved easily while the other came to grasp his balls and toy with them.

He felt his lower stomach muscles constrict, and then she gently tugged on his balls, and he came undone, grasping her shoulder hard with one hand while the other, slightly behind his back, supported his weight as he became boneless with a jerk and a muffled grunt.

He mentally thanked her when she didn't say a word and turned to put his semen in a vial, leaving him with at least some sense of dignity. She grabbed a towel and walked to the sink to wet it, then took her time washing her hands and finally turned back to him with the hot towel. His chest was still heaving as she cleaned him; he didn't know why he let her do it. Normally, he'd have done it himself to spare himself further embarrassment, so why was it that he didn't feel uncomfortable enough to snatch the towel from her dainty hands?

For a few long moments, they didn't say anything as she sent her chakra in his legs and scribbled down notes about the injuries he had sustained. She spent a particularly long moment on his calves, probably wondering what kind of instrument had caused the jagged scars that adorned them.

"Glass. Hit with a broken bottle during interrogation," he informed her detachedly, having long since accustomed himself to the numerous scars that marred his body.

"Those still hurt, don't they?" asked Sakura, tapping one of the scars lightly with a single finger. "I'll have to verify it, but I think some small shards of glass may have been left in your flesh. Even if you're healed, they remain inside, causing damage when you move."

So that was why he felt a pinching pain with every step he took.

He watched in interest as she formed chakra scalpels at the tips of her fingers and made small, precise incisions in his legs. She carefully extracted the small fragments of glass and discarded them on a metal tray.

"I've numbed your legs, but tell me if you feel anything," she told him as she closed one of the incisions she had made before setting to work on making another one a bit further down. "Your whole body is really a map of scars, Morino-san."

"Hm. Does it bother you, Haruno-san?" he asked, curbing his curiosity. She was such a strange woman.

Sakura scratched her chin in thought, pondering his words, and found that no, it didn't disturb her.

"It doesn't, actually. Maybe it's because I'm used to see scars of all sorts, but all yours do is tell me a story of strength. To have resisted during interrogation that caused you these, you must be pretty amazing, Morino-san. I don't know if I could do it."

He blinked at the top of her head.

"That was surprisingly honest of you, Haruno-san."

She looked up at him with a last touch at his legs and untied his bandana.

"Well, I have found that lying to oneself is not very conducive to improvement. You have to know both your strengths and your weaknesses if you ever hope to better yourself."

"Quite true, Haruno-san. This is one of the quality we look for in T&I, for you cannot hope to interrogate someone if you don't know yourself first."

Not answering, Sakura motioned for him to bow his head slightly so that she could have access to his scalp more easily. She tsked lightly as she observed the holes in his head.

"When you shower, make sure you dry your holes completely, Morino-san, lest moisture remains and breeds mushrooms. At this particular place of your body, this could be quite dangerous for your health. The infection may transfer to your brain and cause irreparable damage."

"There's already irreparable damage to my brain," he replied dryly.

"Ha. Ha. I wasn't talking about the whole sadist part, Morino-san," she replied tartly. "Take me seriously or you'll find yourself on a bed here soon enough, barely more coherent than a vegetable. And I, for one, don't want that to happen."

He chuckled low in his throat.

"I imagine that you wouldn't want to see me come here again."

She punched him in the shoulder. Lightly, of course. It wouldn't do to damage her patient. Her reputation might suffer from it.

"Don't sass me. I actually appreciate you, Morino-san, and if nothing else, I know that losing you would be quite a blow to the village."

_Well, at least that's honest._

She sent a few last waves of chakra into his body to make sure she had not left anything out and sat down at the desk to scribble a few more things in what was going to be his amended patient record.

"I'm done here, Morino-san. You can get your clothes back on. Just keep in mind those recommendations I gave you if you don't want to be forced to come back here too soon for anybody's taste before you escape through the window, alright?"

She didn't give him another glance as he swiftly dressed and exited through the window, merely continued to jot down notes on his physical state.

_Haruno Sakura…I may just have to reread your personal record._

-:-

"I'm looking for Haruno Sakura-san."

The receptionist just about died of terror at seeing the tall man for the second day in a row. She didn't know what Sakura had done to him, but she hoped she had prepared her will. Like she had done the day before, she quickly paged her and scurried away as fast as she could without looking too obviously like she was running away.

The frazzled pinkette stormed over, eyes dark with annoyance and frame wrought with tension. Her eyes, if possible, became even darker when she caught sight of him. She stalked up to him and looked at him, unimpressed by his presence.

"Well? Did you need something? Did you fry your brain this morning or something? 'Cause if it's not urgent, I've got patients to save before they bleed all over the tiles. Do you even know how hard blood is to get off every crevice in a tiled floor?"

Ibiki put one of his large hands at the small of her back and gently pushed her out of the hospital with a "I'm here for my zootherapy. Besides, I know for a fact that you've been here for the last 18 hours and are in dire need of a break."

Through the open door leading outside, her voice trailed in, her tone a mix of anger and incredulity.

"What am I, a dog? And how the hell do you know how long I've been here? Even Tsunade-shishou doesn't know!"

"Actually, I see you more as a cat. And you forget that my business is information, Haruno-san. Now let me get my health walk and take yours too. Two birds with one stone."

She pouted, grumbling angrily, but he had a point. And besides, his hand at her waist was not exactly uncomfortable…She'd grumble about it later. Probably. Possibly. Or maybe not.

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Aaaaand that's it! Please tell me what you thought. Don't expect a sequel for this, this will most probably remain a one-shot unless inspiration grabs me once again.


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